The Kevin McCallister Syndrome

Hello Squirrels and any other creature you might find yourself to be, 

As a way of getting to know me, I thought I’d let you know that I care for the well-being of society.  Whenever I can I try to inform those dearest to me about life threatening diseases, so I welcome you with open arms today.  I warn you to please brace yourself for the Kevin McCallister Syndrome.

 The disease gets its name from Home Alone, when the film’s young protagonist, the Kevin McCallister, decides to take war on a pair of “wet bandits” trying to rob his home.  When Kevin makes his life threatening decision he utters the most chilling words from an 11 year old, platinum blond, pouty lipped male ever!  “This is my home, I have to defend it!”  Dun, dun, dun!  No just kidding, it’s not a horror movie.  But speaking of the genre, most of its characters seem to suffer KMS.  You know what I mean if you have ever yelled, “What the heck are you doing?  Stay with the group you numnut!,” whenever someone wants to investigate or be a hero.

If you haven’t caught on you might be in danger.  KMS occurs with a simple lapse in judgement.  One who suffers KMS is one that is already in danger in their home, but instead of running out screaming for help decides to take manners into their own hands.  It is a very risky move, that’s why it’s called  a lapse in judgment, many people have died.

Let’s take a look back at a few of those that lost their lives from KMS and those lucky ones that lived to tell the story.

Carrie (1976)/ Starring Sissy Spacek, Piper Laurie:

Carrie's mom Margaret is just your average gal.  She holds her Christian values to the highest "T", which means she must ward her house of everything evil, including her slutty, demonic, telepathic daughter.  If you have seen this movie you know that Carrie is only one of the three, but that doesn't stop Margaret, who SPOILERT ALERT, tries to kill her but meets her end with her daughter.  Oh and the house was brought down too. 

The Goonies (1985)/ Starring Sean Astin, Josh Brolin:

Alright now the actual film does not take place inside the home, but when Mikey sets forth on his adventure with his friends, he is attempting to protect his home one last time from the land buyers.  He hopes he might find treasure so he takes a map he finds in his attic and it leads them to a restaurant basement.  All I have to say is that the next time you find a dead body in a restaurant freezer you don't send the one friend who was too slow to get underground with y'all to send for help, especially when he is known for telling silly stories about the Jacksons coming over to his house.  Anyways Mikey and his friends go further underground, they find a wishing well, another dead body, and a pirate ship with more dead bodies.  Oh and treasure!  Now things turned out well for Mikey and his friends, they got to keep their homes, but they could have totally gotten killed along the way, they were held hostage, the ground could have collapsed, the cave did collapse.  I'm just saying, things get crazy when you decide to go treasure hunting underneath Olive Garden.

Fear (1996)/ Starring Reese Witherspoon, Mark Wahlberg:

Sweet, young Nicole just started dating an older guy, David with a creepy boyish voice.  Her dad Steve is totally fine with it.  Ok, he isn't, and when he finds out that he has every reason to hate him, Steve lets David know.  He threatens the kid to stay away from his 16 year old daughter, but David is totally psycho and makes everyone believe that Steve physically abused him with his self inflicted wounds.  So of course Steve tries again and wrecks havoc on David's home that he shares with a bunch of guys that you would never invite to Sunday dinner.  Steve sees no way for David to know it was him, and even if he did there is no way he could retaliate because he designed the security system on his own home (don’t we all?).  Little does Steve know that David got the code from Nicole when they were still going out and he and his friends mean business.  SPOILER ALERT: Steve makes it out alive in the end, although he and his entire family were almost killed several times.  The security guy, David and his friends, and the family dog were not so lucky.

Twelve and Holding (2005)/ Starring Conor Donovan, Jesse Camacho:

"This is my tree house, I have to defend it." Ok, no one in the movie says that, but it would be really cool if they had.  This is a little indie gem about how important it is to come of age, but before any of them can do that, they have to grieve a terrible death.  Rudy, his twin brother Jacob, and their two friends Leonard and Malee have a tree house and they are also bullied by the local twelve year old hoodlums in their neighborhood.  One day when trying to defend themselves, the gang throws a bucket of urine on the bullies (because we all have one lying around), and to no one's surprise, the bullies don't like that.  They threaten to destroy the tree house so Rudy and Leonard camp out inside the house that night in order to defend it, but tragedy strikes when the boys fall asleep and the bullies throw a bottle of fire up on the assumption that nobody was inside.  THIS IS NOT A SPOILER ALERT BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE STORY BEGINS.  Leonard lives and Rudy sadly never makes it out alive.  On a sidenote the film also stars the late great independent film star Jeremy Renner.  Renner isn't dead but after years of neglect from Hollywood he is finally getting the attention he deserves, but the chances of him ever doing an independent film again are slim to none.

Paranormal Activity (2007)/ Starring Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat:

Micah and his Lauren Conrad eyed girlfriend, Katie have been experiencing some unusual activity in their home.  Like any normal person would, Micah gets down to the bottom of it and decides to film the whole thing from their bedroom.  Several days, and an attempted Ouija board game later he finds out that there is indeed a paranormal presence in their home.  But he kind of doesn't do anything because it is totally starting to grow on Katie who likes to watch her boyfriend standing up for several hours while he sleeps (nothing weird about that).  Everything turns out well in the end even though it is entirely creepy oh and SPOILER ALERT, Micah totally gets his limp body thrown to the camera by Katie the same way that LC would have done it to Spencer Pratt had she the crazy, demon strength.

Home Alone (1990)/ Starring Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci:

I can't make a list about KMS without including the originator.  I won't bother with the spoiler reminder because they made a sequel and it is just as awesome.  I do warn however that just because you seen Kevin succeed does not mean you should try to booby-trap your own home.  Real burglars are not as stupid in real life, well maybe they are, but that doesn’t mean you should test their patience.

By Nichole